Programing for newEar

Tonight I'm listening to music that is being considered for the new music ensemble I play with, newEar. First up; The Magic Fiddle in the Dessert by Si-Hyun Yi. This piece didn't do much for me. It's episodic and wears out it's material. I can hear the composer making choices and 'playing around' with the material. It's kind of like being aware that an actor is acting rather than being caught up in the character. 5 rating for me (out of 10). Next ... Within an Egg of Space by Judith Ring. This piece does have a consistent 'voice', unlike the earlier work. It uses sound effects heavily. There's no discernible pulse and is a little long. Hm ...... I'll give it a 6.5 . Barely. In my opinion neither of these pieces are good enough to be programed. Better luck next time!

I am - nothing. I am - awareness.

I am - nothing. I am - awareness. There is nothing else that I can say that I am. I am aware of my body but I am not my body. I am aware of my feelings but I am not my feelings. I am aware of my thoughts but I am not my thoughts. I am aware of my actions but I am not my actions. What am I? Nothing. I am not desire (oh what freedom lies there! Not having to be buffeted by this or that desire!) What am I? I am only This - this moment - this awareness - this breath. I am not any of my past roles; musician, father, husband, worker, son. Those are all ideas of who I am and I am not my ideas. I am not my beliefs (oh what freedom lies there; to not have to defend myself!) I am - nothing. I am only This. There is only This, there is no that. All the thats are just ideas in This. Ha! I am not subject/object. I am All. All arises out of Nothing. I am nothing.

Another way to say this; there is only God. Individuals don't really exist, they are just the dream of God. God pretending to be separate from him-her-it-self.

Another way - There is only One. Separateness is an illusion created by believing in your thoughts. 'I am a separate individual.' Is that true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? Who are you when you believe that thought? Who would you be without that thought?

But these are all words and words are not the truth, they only point in truths direction.

Be still.

Lose yourself so that you can be who you really are.

Give up being an individual.

Give up your thoughts and beliefs.

Just be.

I am .....

Freedom from having to express myself

I just finished this long post and the site didn't save most if it!!!! Argh!!!

So, who is mad?

The person that thinks it's important for his ideas to be recorded on this blog.

But am I this person?

NO. NO. NO.

ah ..... freedom from having to express myself and have anyone understand. :)

Who am I now?

So, lately I've been asking myself, "Who am I now?" It's interesting to see what answers pop up; answers like these:

I am a failed pianist.

I am a lustful man.

I am a 50 year old man.

I am an angry driver.

I am a blogger.

I am a judgmental person.

I am a superior person.

I am a superior musician.

I am a father.

I am an angry husband.

I am a calm person.

I am a fearful musician.

Those are just some of the responses I get. Then I ask myself, "Who would I be without that story?" This is, of course, a variation on the question Who would I be without that thought?, which is one of the 4 questions from Byron Katie's The Work. She also says 'who would you be without your story?' and I guess that's my goal; to be story-less, to just be pure awareness now, which I already am when the layer of 'my story' is taken away. Just to be I AM without having to put something after I AM. And, of course, I can look at others the same way. Instead of judging negatively (he's an idiot) or positively (she's a great person), I could ask myself, 'Who would that person be without my story of who they are?'. This is such a LARGE change from how we are all taught to view ourselves and others. And yet I feel that real freedom can be found when this shift of view happens.

Who am I now?

I tired man.

Who would I be without that story?

Awareness realizing the body needs a nap.

Losing the Self

It's been 6 days since I've written anything. I realized while sitting in my car at the park this morning that this blog is really about the strengthening of the ego, the individual self. It's about Robert Pherigo. So I've decided to change what this blog is for, from now on it's going to be about losing myself. As I was sitting in the car this morning watching the cars whiz by on a nearby highway I thought how I would never know any of these people. So then I started wondering why we all attach so fervently to our identities. Everybody's running around thinking me me me! Then I started to ask myself, 'Who would I be without my story (thank you Byron Katie!)? Who would I be without Robert Pherigo? Who would I be without me?' For me (how can one get away from personal language?) this is such a freeing question, I can feel my sense of self expanding to include all that I can see. (How can 'I' write about this without using the words I, me, self?) The answer that comes to me as to who I am without me is Pure Awareness. I am Pure Awareness. So this Blog will now be about losing my Robert Pherigo self and exploring what it is to be Pure Awareness. 'I' will still move, meditate, and listen but the focus will be Losing The Self.

"John Locke" - Why aren't you afraid?

Desmond - What's the point of being afraid?

Exactly. Only the 'individual' self can be afraid. From last night's episode of Lost.

Day 12

Okay, yesterday was not a good day. I'm wondering if I did these 3 things (meditate, listen to music, and move my body) daily would I be more balanced and happier? The problem with all this is I don't really believe in myself. I don't mean 'believe in myself' as in low self esteem or feeling unworthy, I mean I don't believe that my personality and all that goes with that is who I really am. So is it important for Robert Pherigo's personality to be happy? Do I meditate, move my body, and listen to music to strengthen my personality or do I do these things to help shake up my sense of self and hopefully experience a deeper identity that doesn't depend on how well 'my' life is going? Maybe the answer is both. Moving my body focuses on my physical self. Listening to music focuses on my emotional and mental self. Meditation is focusing on my spiritual self. But all these 'selves' interconnect and mix with one another; without the body I could not express anything, including these words! But having a body without a rich mental and emotional life is something I find hard to imagine and is not something I would want. But it is the spiritual self that, for me, gives it all meaning. The spiritual self meaning the Oneness that all manifestation comes out of. I meditate to go to that inner 'space' of Oneness. So why don't I meditate more? Well, that's one reason I started this blog, to get myself (whatever that means!) to meditate more! I guess I'm trying to do what Ken Wilber suggests: exercise all three bodies: the gross body, the subtle, and the causal. And do the all important shadow work, which for me is "The Work" of Byron Katie.

Well, it's a great idea. Now to action!

Day 9, 10 & 11

I will keep this blog going! I will keep this blog going! I will keep this blog going!

Day -9

Listening - no

Movement - 31 minute walk around Heritage Park Lake with Lyra and Koko. It was beautiful; storm clouds on the horizon, sun setting, Koko being spooked by the lapping waves.

Meditation - no

Day 10

Listening - no

Movement - no

Meditation - 25 Minutes in the car before I went in to school. Why don't I do this more? It really set me up for the day.

Day 11

It's 8:17 a.m. How will I do today? I think I need to start a 'Doing the Work' blog. Just don't feel all that great. More later.

Listening - no

Movement - 30 minutes of walking.

Meditation - no