Who am I now?

So, lately I've been asking myself, "Who am I now?" It's interesting to see what answers pop up; answers like these:

I am a failed pianist.

I am a lustful man.

I am a 50 year old man.

I am an angry driver.

I am a blogger.

I am a judgmental person.

I am a superior person.

I am a superior musician.

I am a father.

I am an angry husband.

I am a calm person.

I am a fearful musician.

Those are just some of the responses I get. Then I ask myself, "Who would I be without that story?" This is, of course, a variation on the question Who would I be without that thought?, which is one of the 4 questions from Byron Katie's The Work. She also says 'who would you be without your story?' and I guess that's my goal; to be story-less, to just be pure awareness now, which I already am when the layer of 'my story' is taken away. Just to be I AM without having to put something after I AM. And, of course, I can look at others the same way. Instead of judging negatively (he's an idiot) or positively (she's a great person), I could ask myself, 'Who would that person be without my story of who they are?'. This is such a LARGE change from how we are all taught to view ourselves and others. And yet I feel that real freedom can be found when this shift of view happens.

Who am I now?

I tired man.

Who would I be without that story?

Awareness realizing the body needs a nap.

Losing the Self

It's been 6 days since I've written anything. I realized while sitting in my car at the park this morning that this blog is really about the strengthening of the ego, the individual self. It's about Robert Pherigo. So I've decided to change what this blog is for, from now on it's going to be about losing myself. As I was sitting in the car this morning watching the cars whiz by on a nearby highway I thought how I would never know any of these people. So then I started wondering why we all attach so fervently to our identities. Everybody's running around thinking me me me! Then I started to ask myself, 'Who would I be without my story (thank you Byron Katie!)? Who would I be without Robert Pherigo? Who would I be without me?' For me (how can one get away from personal language?) this is such a freeing question, I can feel my sense of self expanding to include all that I can see. (How can 'I' write about this without using the words I, me, self?) The answer that comes to me as to who I am without me is Pure Awareness. I am Pure Awareness. So this Blog will now be about losing my Robert Pherigo self and exploring what it is to be Pure Awareness. 'I' will still move, meditate, and listen but the focus will be Losing The Self.

"John Locke" - Why aren't you afraid?

Desmond - What's the point of being afraid?

Exactly. Only the 'individual' self can be afraid. From last night's episode of Lost.

Day 12

Okay, yesterday was not a good day. I'm wondering if I did these 3 things (meditate, listen to music, and move my body) daily would I be more balanced and happier? The problem with all this is I don't really believe in myself. I don't mean 'believe in myself' as in low self esteem or feeling unworthy, I mean I don't believe that my personality and all that goes with that is who I really am. So is it important for Robert Pherigo's personality to be happy? Do I meditate, move my body, and listen to music to strengthen my personality or do I do these things to help shake up my sense of self and hopefully experience a deeper identity that doesn't depend on how well 'my' life is going? Maybe the answer is both. Moving my body focuses on my physical self. Listening to music focuses on my emotional and mental self. Meditation is focusing on my spiritual self. But all these 'selves' interconnect and mix with one another; without the body I could not express anything, including these words! But having a body without a rich mental and emotional life is something I find hard to imagine and is not something I would want. But it is the spiritual self that, for me, gives it all meaning. The spiritual self meaning the Oneness that all manifestation comes out of. I meditate to go to that inner 'space' of Oneness. So why don't I meditate more? Well, that's one reason I started this blog, to get myself (whatever that means!) to meditate more! I guess I'm trying to do what Ken Wilber suggests: exercise all three bodies: the gross body, the subtle, and the causal. And do the all important shadow work, which for me is "The Work" of Byron Katie.

Well, it's a great idea. Now to action!

Day 9, 10 & 11

I will keep this blog going! I will keep this blog going! I will keep this blog going!

Day -9

Listening - no

Movement - 31 minute walk around Heritage Park Lake with Lyra and Koko. It was beautiful; storm clouds on the horizon, sun setting, Koko being spooked by the lapping waves.

Meditation - no

Day 10

Listening - no

Movement - no

Meditation - 25 Minutes in the car before I went in to school. Why don't I do this more? It really set me up for the day.

Day 11

It's 8:17 a.m. How will I do today? I think I need to start a 'Doing the Work' blog. Just don't feel all that great. More later.

Listening - no

Movement - 30 minutes of walking.

Meditation - no

Day 8

weight - 231

Just 20 minutes on my rebounder. It's easy to get distracted. Time to re-commit.

Day 7

weight - 230

Just a 20 minute walk today. And lots of great food! Easter Sunday.

Day 6

weight - 230 (mexican last night!)

Excellent start to the day! 10 minutes on my rebounder then 30 minutes meditating! Meditation really should be taught in school. Not with any religious connotations but just as a way to deeply relax and be at peace. The religious or spiritual aspect, if experienced, would just be private.

As for being up a pound and a half, that doesn't worry me at all. I know that I will lose weight as long as I keep moving my body, meditating, and eating wisely. My long term goal is to lose 50 pounds. My short term goal is just to get to 224 because that would be a total of 20 pounds off from when I stared to lose weight a couple of years ago. I've been plateauing around 230 for over a year now and one reason I started this blog is so that I would have to report on how my weight lose was going. Being aware is the first step to any conscious change and having to write is part of that awareness. I'm looking forward to watching my body lose the weight!

Took about a one hour bike ride so went over my movement goal for the day.

LISTENING - Just listened to Ingrid Stölzel's piece The Road Is All for piano trio. What a gorgeous work it is. Beautiful long flowing lines intertwining around each other creating a gigantic though intimate sense of space and time. This isn't commercially available yet but will be, I believe, before the year is out. I admit I'm prejudiced because I'm the pianist on this recording but I have to say that Ingrid's music deserves as wide an audience as possible. She's that good!

Day 4 (yesterday actually)

No listening or meditation BUT I did take a 2 hour bike ride! Woo woo! I really love riding. I can go anywhere, stop anywhere, explore, and I do love gliding down those hills! And it's good for my health!

weight - 228.5

Day 5 (today)

Once again no meditation or listening. I think I really need to ask myself what's going on with that. Movement; 31 minutes walking and 5 minutes jumping on my trampoline rebounder.

weight - 228